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:icontherainontheirparade: More from therainontheirparade


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February 14, 2013
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Sometimes you lose people, you know? Sometimes you lose someone you love, and they can't come back. They die on you, take a little piece of your heart with them, and they don't come back. Sometimes you lose someone you love and it breaks your heart, it claws at your lungs and it breaks through your chest and leaks through your pores, and you're practically fucking emanating sadness, but there's nothing you can do about it. You're stuck writing about it in stupidly long sentences because you don't know what else to do with this itch beneath your skin, and you need to fucking do something with it because it's going to eat you alive. The ache that pulses through your veins is going to drive you insane, it's going to absolutely murder you. You lost someone you loved. They're gone. They've left you. You can't get back the picnics and the laughter and the fights. You can't call them on the phone, and you can't fucking touch them, okay? You can't hug them, or play with their hair, or hold their hand. You'd give anything to feel the warmth from their hug once more. But you're left cold. They're cold. They're so cold, and gone, and you can't wrap your head around it. You can't think about it, because panic squeezes your heart in a rigid grip, and suddenly you can't breathe anymore. You can't breathe because you realized you won't be able to hear their voice anymore. You realized you don't really remember what they sounded like. Their image is blurry in your mind, and you can't make out all of the flecks of color in their eyes. You feel sick, you're so sick, how could you forget, how could you fucking forget. How could you forget them? You lost them. You lost them. They're gone, they're gone forever. And you think it's the worst thing that could ever happen to you.

And then, and then you start to love someone who you might lose. It's deja vu, except you can see it happening before it does, again. You have them in your grasp, you can feel their skin and their hair and listen to them hum along to the radio. Can hear them swear at the slow car in front of them. You have them, they're right fucking there, but they're slipping. They're leaving you, too. And you start to wonder if it's you, maybe. If maybe you're the problem. If everything you touches dies. Because they're dying, too. You can't eat without thinking about it. Can't sleep. You're going to wake up in a few weeks and they're going to be gone, too. They're leaving you before you even got the chance to have them, and god, it's killing you. Bile rises in your throat and it's too much, it's all too much. There can't be a god. There can't be. You're losing everything you need, everything you've ever needed, and there's no way that someone could be responsible for that. No one would want to do that. Who would want to break a heart so badly? Your fingers are numb and your arms are bleeding from all of the scratching, the constant scratching to release the itch, because it's not fucking leaving. And you don't know why. You want it all to stop, please, you can't deal with this again. You thought you could save it, this time. You thought you'd be able to make it okay. But you didn't. You can't, you couldn't. You break everything you love.

You've lost someone you loved and you're loving someone you're inevitably going to lose. It's a sick, sick game and you wonder if any of it's worth it. If anything even fucking matters anymore.

And it doesn't.
Well THIS IS DEPRESSING. Sorry. Actual word vomit. I didn't even try to compose it into a poem. I needed to get rid of the itch under my skin. Sorry.
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:iconrainbowshroom:
RainbowShroom Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
That last sentence on the first paragraph is so fucking true I'm crying.
This is so easy to relate to.
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:icontherainontheirparade:
I'm sorry you're crying D: Please hang in there, okay?

I'm glad my words moved you, though. That's always a difficult feat. Thank you for the comment. (':
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:iconpoetshand:
PoetsHand Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2013
You have no idea how much I can relate to all this!
Reply
:icontherainontheirparade:
Aw, really? Sorry, it's completely word vomity, I didn't even give it a format haha.

I'm sorry you can relate. I really, really hope you hang in there! C:
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:iconpoetshand:
PoetsHand Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2013
Word vomity? But that's the way the words come when the feelings are like that. It fits the mood.
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:icontherainontheirparade:
Word vomity.
Don't judge my word choices, okay, word vomity seemed to fit LOL

But thank you, okay. That's nice to hear, because all of my stuff is word vomity LOL so thank you ;u;
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:icondevoneaton:
DevonEaton Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
The future is a blank page you fill as you go, you can't predict the words that will come next, they only arrive in the moment. Sometimes a new page looks strikingly similar to a page you've seen before, but no two pages are ever exactly the same so don't assume the similarities will continue. That's the way I look at life. It's a library that I'm slowly filling. Some books have sad chapters, some are sad in their entirety, some books become lost and you try so hard to replicate them, but you can't and why should you. Every book, no matter how perfect can be improved, so write a new one, a better one. When you die you're library will be filled with stories of all kinds and that's ok because who would want a library with nothing but happy beginnings and happy endings and happy all in between?
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:icontherainontheirparade:
This was quite nice to read. Thank you. I'm alright. I don't know what's going on with me, really. Exhaustion. Word vomit.

Thank you for this. It was a lovely image. I smiled. (':
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:icondevoneaton:
DevonEaton Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Honestly I'm surprised I made sense there. I kind of developed and wrote that whole thought stream very fast. :P
Reply
:icontherainontheirparade:
You basically described my writing in a nutshell LOL

That could be why I understood! I do a lot of rambling. A LOT. So I feel you Haha.

But it did make sense. (':
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